the past few month have been very strange for my 2 1/2 year old. she's been going through so many emotions and doesn't know how to let out her feelings. it's left me feeling very confused as well. 

i was raised in a christian home where i got spankings with hands and belts. i was not abused and i knew why i got them. i hate that argument... about abusing and about discipline.. i had an abusive father until i was 5 and i know the difference. when my step father (who i claim as my father) came into my life, i had structure. 

well, i did a little reading in one of my new magazines, and they said a study they took showed that children that receive spankings tend to grow up with physical rage. if that is the argument, than i would agree. i look back on my life and when i was smaller even until now, when i would get mad i would try to take it out on something smaller than me that couldn't do anything back, because i had the power. (i know how to control it now, but i'm talking about more of when i was a child.)  

i'm trying to change my disciplinary actions starting yesterday. 

an example of how things normally go:

ezra will hit, bite, scream at, or push ella. i then would tell her to stop as soon as i see it happening, or i could see it coming. she would start to growl/scream at me or ella and fall to the floor shaking and try to bite whatever she's holding or try to bite the floor. i would become so mad i would raise my voice over hers (sometimes turning into screaming) and tell her to go to time out. if  she refused it would make me sooooo mad. i would end up spanking her (not beating her over and over, just one good swat to the butt) and tell her to go to bed. she would go kicking and screaming and after that was over, i would go in and talk to her. she always understood why those things had to happen, but it would make her even more hateful to ella and me after. 

for days i've been trying to pick apart the situation.

-here is a backing story-

 the house we had to move into before where we live today was a extremely small one bedroom with an extra room off to the side where the washer and dryer go and was just big enough for the girls beds and toys. it was about 30 mins out of town. something happened to me in that house. 

i went crazy. absolutely nuts. i started crying every second of the day taking 1-2 hour showers when wes came home to try to get this filthy feeling off of my skin. i hated myself so much. i would say to myself over and over that i don't deserve anything. anytime the girls would fight or have screaming fits or even just whining, i would have to go into another room to close myself off and bawl my eyes out. i would start pulling on my hair and scratch my arms over and over. i have scars now that remind me how far i have come. we ended up having to stay with my mother so she could help me care for the kids and i finally went to the dr. after this happening for 2 months. i have been taking something for the anxiety and depression.. with the help of medication and God's unending love and forgiveness i am just about back to normal! all of this to tell you how much i had dealt with anger and kids crying. i just couldn't stand it. it was my trigger point. 

-back to the beginning story-

i have figured out what is going on with ezra, and figured out a new plan of action. 

shes been shaking and biting whatever she can, because she doesn't know how to express her anger. she doesn't know how to let it out. i'm ok with this right now, because she's learning. i have been talking very calmly to her about what she is doing and what she needs to do. instead of yelling at her, i tell her calmly (even almost to a little whisper) over and over and over until she realizes that i'm talking and she can't hear me until she stops. i send her to her bed until she calms down. when she finally calms down i go talk to her and ask her what she did, was it nice or mean, is that how we love each other? 

the out come?

it's been wonderful the past couple of days! she calms down and after she's out of time out she doesn't remain angry. she goes about her business and we pretend nothing even happened. 

it's so wonderful when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

the best part about this plan is that, it helps me stay calm. because, if i'm already angry at her and then i spank her, it feeds my anger. if i stay calm it helps my brain, my heart rate and everything. no panic attacks! 

here are a few pictures that i've been owing this blog.

ezra teaching ella about the sun.

ezra and i were going to take a sweet picture after her bath time.. but this crazy girl just ended up farting all over me and this is the outcome of our sweet picture. haha!

some purple blueberry cupcakes we made yesterday morning! pretty and yummy!

ellas first birthday! this is her face when she understand that the cake is made for mashing.

before.

and the yummy cupcakes!

life and music

It's official.

i have TWO toddlers in my house! 

this thing turned ONE on the 24th!

(excuse the lighting of these pictures. my house is always dim)

anyway, her birthday was very enjoyable. her little buddies all came over and enjoyed cupcakes, sandwiches, and kool-aid with us. 

that night i began working on a friends wedding shower cake. it turned out pretty awesome! 

check it out!

i used homemade icing, ribbon, fake flowers, and a DIY painted love sign. The bride picked up the sign from Micheal's crafts, we went to walmart and found some lace fabric, picked up some spray paint of her wedding color blue, and headed home. i used the lace as a stencil and spray painted over it very lightly and it turned out awesome! (i would love to do this to some cabinet doors in the kitchen.)

my husband and i have started up a new band... 'bears in armor'. funny thing is, the only reason we are persuing this band, is because a friend of ours asked us to play at a relay for life.. to donate time playing. heck yes! what a better way to help out than to play guitar and sing while people walk?! i'm down. it's kind of a cool setting. it's right off of the rail yard downtown. wes just put together a couple of old band pictures of us to create something quick. 

it's not too bad! although, i'm not a blonde anymore.. nor does wes have long hair.. (le sigh..)
want to check out some of our stuff? you can stream it for free.
click here!


that's all for now! good night friends.
stay beautiful.

put on a happy face.

i'm really slacking on this new blog. forgive me friends, i've had a ton of life thrown at me this month. let me let you into my world by points.

• i found out that my 74 year old aunt, who has been mentally retarded since the age of five, was in the hospital on her death bed. she had to have some type of breathing mask over her face which allowed her to not eat for a couple of days. she kept having heart failure after seizing multiple times and although she didn't know what she was experiencing we knew she had to be in terrible pain. my mother kept praying "God please just take her home".. finally a couple of nights after (march 14th.. my wedding anniversary) she received a call from the hospital. God had taken her. we couldn't be sad though. just imagine, after that last breath being in a new body that works! it was the first day of her life! how could we be so selfish to be sad that she passed? but.. here i find myself, in the dumps. praise God she is healed.. but please heal our thoughts and hearts as well.

• we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary by visiting memphis, tn. my family was wonderful for helping me with my children the whole time. it was a four day and three night get away! we took a carriage ride downtown, thrift shopped, got lost, talked to a lot of interesting people, listened to an ungodly amount of blues, rockabilly, and jazz music, and possibly could have had a drink or two. it was a very nice time of get away and not being responsible for anyone other than ourselves, but by the end of the trip i was in tears because i just didn't feel right now having my girls. we left early and couldn't have made it home faster! 

• lastly... ella's FIRST birthday is this thursday. i've been having a hard time accepting the fact that she's going to be one and walking around talking our heads off soon. this is my last baby to carry. i had my tubes tied right after i had her. it was a strong suggestion by my dr, who is never for anything like that. my body makes too big of children, and it's hard for me to handle. it's left me with server back pain among other things that.. well.. you could only know if we just went on our 30th date. ;) i had both of my children about two weeks early and they were about 10.5 each. ezra was natural ALL natural, by accident... and ella was a planned c-section. anyway.. i've had this dumb feeling for a few months. i keep feeling like i am an empty home. no longer will i have anyone living inside of me and depending on me for food and shelter. i miss those little kicks and under cut punched to my bottom ribs. good news is that the older the girls get, the easier it is to care for them. i am slowly getting over the baby stage! two is perfect for me.. bottom line, i'd love to adopt one day, but for right now our family is perfect and i need to quit being a tit. 

would you all like to see some pictures of the trip?? of course you would! here ya go!

this is the moment we hit the interstate and we're sooo ready!

 

we got to our hotel and the bumped our stay into a suite. it was so nice on the 12th floor. wes and i wanted to do something that we don't usually do.. so.. we decided to take a cab downtown. (our first cab ride. without me sounding racist.. i was so glad that it was an indian man. the whole experience was perfect. he was a horrible drive speeding everywhere and honking.. it was wonderful.)

 

for breakfast the next morning, we decided to go to waffle house because the ihop had horrible workers! we sat up at the counter and watched those cooks do some magic! i don't know how they do it. orders are being yelled out, and they do it without missing a beat! they were all so friendly. it was a wonderful start to a st. patrick's day!

  

we also went to a massive goodwill and i scored these beautiful items! a few of them still had tags on them. i came out spending $28. i almost feel guilty for buying it all so cheap! not guilty enough to just leave. they are all in my closet. :)

 

we went to the memphis zoo. it was so awesome. wes and i have always been into zoos, museums, aquariums, and things like that. turns out (this is random) this elephant is on that wes grew up with. his childhood best friend's parents owns this place in detroit, texas called jan and kay ranch. it's a christian ranch where you can have parties, camps.. whatever.. this is one of their elephants that they donated. hello eadie!

 

this was my first time to see a panda bear up close in person. all i could see was his cute little butt in the window because he was a lazy sucker. looked like he needed some cuddles.

oh yes, this was a little bit of the line to get in. it took almost 45 minutes of standing in the hot sun. the line wrapped around the whole parking lot. i guess it's because of spring break. we knew it was going to be busy because the parking lot was full, and with them gating it off, there were hundreds of cars parked along side houses. that went on for blocks and blocks.

 

this is my sweet watch i got a rue 21. a sweet wrap watch for $12. that's not too bad! i love it so much and it's so comfortable. 

 

ah yes, here is a morning view out our window. memphis for the most part was pretty filthy. it's like, when people are done with their trash they throw it all over the place. texas and arkansas (at least from my hometown until tennessee line) are much MUCH cleaner. my most favorite part of it was german town though. it had everything and was so clean.

  

this is on the drive home. we went through some tornado weather, but man i didn't care. i just wanted to get home to my two sweet baby girls. i need them just like the air i breath. 

  

when we got home it was the sweetest thing. ezra was standing at the glass door ready to pounce on her daddy! ella was in the floor squinting trying to see through the sunlight. when i went to scoop her up, she started doing these "huh" sounds. not sure if she was wanting to cry or laugh. it was somewhere in between. both girls were just as happy to see us and we were to see them.

i say this right now, but who knows what tomorrow will hold.. i don't want to leave them again. 

i'm sure when i'm handing out spankings and time outs tomorrow i will think differently. ;) 

until then, good night friends and hug the ones you love.

introductions and warnings

hello all. 

i'm brand new to this legit blogging life. please, if you're looking for someone to pick on about grammar or sentence structures or any thing of the sorts (i hate capitalizing my letters), leave my page. 

i'm a stay at home mother of two of the most amazing little girls on earth. (Ezra is 2 1/2 and Ella will be 1 next week.) they drive me loco many times a day, but it only makes my love for them grow stronger. i'm a wife to my best friend of 5 years. we have so much that we have conquered over those 5 years. from being homeless, helping the homeless, losing loved ones, losing sanity, playing in multiple bands, traveling in a van with friends, the list could go on and on. those are only things that have happened to us while we have been together. apart, our lives have been one lifetime special after another. BUT, like i tell everyone, i feel like life has taken many crazy turns just to make us the people who we are today. we hope and strive to be the most loving and caring people that you will know. 

i'm going to talk a lot about my life struggles with new found depression and anxiety that i have been trying to over come the past six months, my struggle of strengthening my love with Jesus Christ and becoming the Godly mother and role model that i should be, and sharing my love and every day life with my family and our life journeys. also, if you have any questions about ANYTHING, feel free to ask.

you will not find judgement on these pages. although, i will share my most honest feelings with you.

again, please note that i am not perfect, but i hope that this blog finds you well.. and will in some way help you through whatever it is that you struggle with. 

i hope to even make you smile. 

much love,
Sam.

ps