the grand adventures of us

the past few month have been very strange for my 2 1/2 year old. she's been going through so many emotions and doesn't know how to let out her feelings. it's left me feeling very confused as well.

i was raised in a christian home where i got spankings with hands and belts. i was not abused and i knew why i got them. i hate that argument... about abusing and about discipline.. i had an abusive father until i was 5 and i know the difference. when my step father (who i claim as my father) came into my life, i had structure.

well, i did a little reading in one of my new magazines, and they said a study they took showed that children that receive spankings tend to grow up with physical rage. if that is the argument, than i would agree. i look back on my life and when i was smaller even until now, when i would get mad i would try to take it out on something smaller than me that couldn't do anything back, because i had the power. (i know how to control it now, but i'm talking about more of when i was a child.)

i'm trying to change my disciplinary actions starting yesterday.

an example of how things normally go:

ezra will hit, bite, scream at, or push ella. i then would tell her to stop as soon as i see it happening, or i could see it coming. she would start to growl/scream at me or ella and fall to the floor shaking and try to bite whatever she's holding or try to bite the floor. i would become so mad i would raise my voice over hers (sometimes turning into screaming) and tell her to go to time out. if she refused it would make me sooooo mad. i would end up spanking her (not beating her over and over, just one good swat to the butt) and tell her to go to bed. she would go kicking and screaming and after that was over, i would go in and talk to her. she always understood why those things had to happen, but it would make her even more hateful to ella and me after.

for days i've been trying to pick apart the situation.

-here is a backing story-

the house we had to move into before where we live today was a extremely small one bedroom with an extra room off to the side where the washer and dryer go and was just big enough for the girls beds and toys. it was about 30 mins out of town. something happened to me in that house.

i went crazy. absolutely nuts. i started crying every second of the day taking 1-2 hour showers when wes came home to try to get this filthy feeling off of my skin. i hated myself so much. i would say to myself over and over that i don't deserve anything. anytime the girls would fight or have screaming fits or even just whining, i would have to go into another room to close myself off and bawl my eyes out. i would start pulling on my hair and scratch my arms over and over. i have scars now that remind me how far i have come. we ended up having to stay with my mother so she could help me care for the kids and i finally went to the dr. after this happening for 2 months. i have been taking something for the anxiety and depression.. with the help of medication and God's unending love and forgiveness i am just about back to normal! all of this to tell you how much i had dealt with anger and kids crying. i just couldn't stand it. it was my trigger point.

-back to the beginning story-

i have figured out what is going on with ezra, and figured out a new plan of action.

shes been shaking and biting whatever she can, because she doesn't know how to express her anger. she doesn't know how to let it out. i'm ok with this right now, because she's learning. i have been talking very calmly to her about what she is doing and what she needs to do. instead of yelling at her, i tell her calmly (even almost to a little whisper) over and over and over until she realizes that i'm talking and she can't hear me until she stops. i send her to her bed until she calms down. when she finally calms down i go talk to her and ask her what she did, was it nice or mean, is that how we love each other?

the out come?

it's been wonderful the past couple of days! she calms down and after she's out of time out she doesn't remain angry. she goes about her business and we pretend nothing even happened.

it's so wonderful when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

the best part about this plan is that, it helps me stay calm. because, if i'm already angry at her and then i spank her, it feeds my anger. if i stay calm it helps my brain, my heart rate and everything. no panic attacks!

here are a few pictures that i've been owing this blog.

ezra teaching ella about the sun.

ezra and i were going to take a sweet picture after her bath time.. but this crazy girl just ended up farting all over me and this is the outcome of our sweet picture. haha!